Living With a Demon Called Depression

Today I am feeling depressed! It actually started at work. Everything was fine. I had been fine for weeks, maybe even happy. But something happened. Actually nothing happened! I was ignored! If someone had insulted me verbally, or assaulted me Physically, I could have reacted immediately either verbally or physically, but I was ignored and it played on my mind so much I became depressed about it.

Now you might be thinking “Oh my God! What’s the matter with you? You are not depressed, you are sulking like a two year old! And yes, I agree, it is a really incredibly stupid thing to become depressed about, I know that, honestly, I REALLY know that!

But that is often how my depression starts. Something pointless, something stupid, something which I should be able to ignore or just shrug off, suddenly takes on a life of its’ own and takes over my mind and switches off the light of happiness, only to replace it with long dark lingering shadows of doom, gloom and despair.

Chemical or Physical. What is the cause?

If the problem with depression is a chemical thing like hormones in the brain, why would it be triggered by something as stupid as being ignored?

If it is a chemical problem then surely all depression would happen at odd moments like while you were watching a really funny film. One minute you would be laughing your head off and then the next minute trying to jump out of the window and wanting to end it all.

I have no doubt that there are chemicals involved. All emotions are chemical by nature. Happiness, sadness, love, lust. These are all made possible by chemicals / hormones in our brains being switched on at certain moments as a result of external influence, such as seeing a beautiful woman in a short skirt walking by….POW…Instant Lust Chemicals flood the brain!

So I suppose the “Cause” is a combination of physical outside influences, causing an internal response which switches on related chemicals to prepare the body for whatever might come next.

And maybe sometimes it works the other way around. Our body clocks may decide that spring and summer are perfect times to get lustful and start looking for that special boy or girl!

Why does it affect some more than others?

My present bout of depression was set off, I think, by simply being ignored by a certain person, maybe at a certain moment in time when I was feeling vulnerable.

Someone else might think that I am just being a wimp. Perhaps they, and maybe you too, would not be the slightest bit affected by such an incident. You might, if you are a depression sufferer, even think that what I am feeling does not deserve to even be called depression!

You might even think that I should re-name this article “Living With a Demon Called Sulking!”

It is a matter of personal opinion.

Whether or not my depression is better or worse than maybe your depression or someone elses, doesn’t really matter. It certainly doesn’t matter to me. As far as I am concerned, I am depressed and nothing that you or anyone else thinks is going to change that.

Last night I felt terrible. I mean REALLY bloody awful. I hated the world, I hated people…yes, even you! And I hated myself. I hated myself because of all the things mentioned above.

When you are depressed, or at least when I am depressed, I start by blaming the person or people, or the event, which I think is the cause of my present depression. But soon, once I have finished ranting and raving, or sometimes just sitting quietly (as if sulking), I start to blame myself. I blame myself for not reacting more positively. I blame myself for not speaking my mind. I blame myself for not sticking up for myself. I blame myself for putting myself in a stupid situation. I blame myself for not learning lessons from similar past events. I blame myself for blaming myself and not punching the person responsible for my depression on the nose.

The more I think about it, the more depressed I become. Until very soon, what was possibly a very small event which triggered a mild depression, becomes greatly exaggerated in my mind and the mild depression expands like a huge dark storm cloud stretching over the horizon casting its’ shadow over everything I see and know.

Is there a cure?

How do you drag yourself out of a depression? (Perhaps we should ask the government! :-)) Well, it aint easy! Today I dragged myself out of bed early. I went shopping. I didn’t really need anything but I ended up with several packets of biscuits. Now, you see, I am a few pounds over weight. But I have managed to lose over a stone in less than three months, which is excellent! However, I have found that doing something naughty is a great way to distract the mind long enough to clear the clouds of depression. It isn’t easy, it isn’t straightforward by any means, and it could take several packets of biscuits and chocolate chip muffins with copious amounts of tea, before I start to get better.

I don’t recommend it for everyone, especially if you have a weight problem. If you are on a diet and think that eating five packets of biscuits might actually make you more depressed, then I suggest that you do something else naughty instead.

You might find that going into a secluded wooded area, taking off all of your clothes, then running around shouting “I hate the world but I love my fat arse!” might just be enough to start to clear your depression.

Always be aware that things WILL get better!

I know it is not easy. But you must keep in mind that no matter how bad things seem to be right now, that they can not stay this bad for ever!

This is something which I constantly keep telling myself when I get depressed, or just a little fed up with the world.

EVERYTHING is temporary. Even mountains get reduced over time. Your problems, my problems, the countries problems, are all temporary.

If there is absolutely nothing you can do right now to ease your situation, if there is absolutely no action you can take to ease your dark feelings, if running around naked shouting that you hate the world but love your fat arse has had no positive effect on you at all….then all you have to do is have patience and wait….long enough…and I promise that whatever the problem is that you have right now….barring cancer or some other terminal illness….it will pass.

But ofcourse, if there is some action you can take, like maybe making an apology to someone, or talking to someone who has upset you, or any action at all that will help to solve your present problem, or at least bring the problem out into the open so you can deal with it physically or verbally, then that is far better than sitting in a dark room festering over it.

Writing this article has done me some good. I don’t feel as bad now as when I started it. I certainly don’t feel all happy and cheerful, yet. But I am in recovery. And I hope, I really hope that at least one sentence has made you smile or given you some idea as to how to start your recovery. I am sorry there is nothing scientifically proven in this article. It is just a load of stuff from my depressed mind. Maybe I will read through it in a few days and decide to delete it, I don’t know.

So, is there an answer? Can depression be cured without stuffing yourself with dangerous tranquilizers, or munching on figure destroying biscuits? Is it possible to just laugh yourself out of depression?

I honestly and obviously have no idea. Once this depression leaves me I will most likely be OK for some time to come. I don’t suffer from depression regularly. It just happens sometimes. Sometimes there doesn’t seem to be a reason for it…it just takes over. And then, just as suddenly, it can be gone and I am left wondering what all the fuss was about.

Maybe I am a wimp. Maybe your depressions are far worse than mine. Maybe you thought this article was useless because it was written by a self centered, vain, useless, fat, sulking nobody! Well, at the moment, I would have to agree with you. But hopefully tomorrow, or maybe next week, I won’t give a damn what you think, unless you have been helped by it in some way, in which case, my depression will have been worth it.